Penulis: Dina Begum

Aku yakin banyak yang tertimpa kemalangan lebih buruk dariku tapi saat anakku kecelakaan 4 tahun yang lalu rasanya tidak ada yang lebih menderita daripada aku.

Dan apa yang kulakukan? Nulis di blog, walaupun kuatur ‘private’ alias hanya aku yang bisa baca. Dengan mencurahkan isi hati sejujur-jujurnya aku merasa sedikit ringan. Kupilih blog karena tidak perlu menyembunyikan buku harian seperti dulu dan karena aku sudah terbiasa mengetik. 😛 Sulit bagiku mencurahkan isi hati kepada orang lain, khawatir malah membebani orang yang mendengarkan atau bahkan menjadi bahan gunjingan bila curhat kepada orang yang keliru. Jadi, aku percaya saat Mak Mira Sahid bilang ngeblog itu terapi jiwa. Di samping itu, nulis blog gratis, cocok buatku yang penggemar gratisan ini. 😀

Oh, ya, sebelum Anda membaca sebagian tulisanku saat itu, kutegaskan anakku sehat wal afiat, sudah kuliah dan bahagia. Ini sekadar berbagi saja, karena sayang juga tulisan ini sekian lama tersembunyi di balik pengaturan ‘private,’ dan karena aku sudah tidak menangis lagi saat membacanya.

I’m afraid to fall asleep

Everytime I was about to fall asleep, suddenly I saw my daughter on the day she had the accident. My sleepiness was gone. My heart palpitated, my breath came short and shallow, tears suddenly came out out of nowhere.

She was laying facing left on a hospital bed in the Emergency Room. Her ear bled, blood was all over her swollen face, she was unconsious and alone. When I called her name, relieved that at least she was alive, she opened her eyes and I saw no recognition there. And then she screamed agitatedly, muttered something out of context and said that she wanted to vomit. I held out my hands in front of her face. It was blood that came out of her mouth.

The doctor said there was a bleeding in her brain due to the severe collision on her head. Her right chin bone cracked and the lower jaw was broken. She was unconscious for about 15 hours. I don’t know what happened – I really don’t want to know either. All I know was that she was riding on a motorcycle after school and her friend who was driving lost her control over the vehicle and my daughter fell head first.

Miraculously I held myself together and stayed with her all the way, night and day. Two days in the ICU, eight days in the hospital ward and another two days at another hospital for a zygomatic operation.

I’ve been having less and less sleep. I tried to conjure the happy thought that always helped me in difficult situations in the past but this time it’s just doesn’t work. They seem foolish now. To think that I should be happy at all when I almost lost my child. Oh, I don’t mean to look so ungrateful now. The bleeding her brain has gone by the second day. She’s gone through the operation to put the jaw together successfully. Even though it’s still 17 days until the wiring system that keeps her teeth clenched will be removed and the fact that she’s been hungry because she only able to eat liquid food, I think the progress has been good.

But I’m still afraid to go to sleep. I can control myself when I awake but in my dream, I’m totally helpless. I wonder how long will I be in this phase – if this is a phase at all. Of course I pray but somehow that morbid image is always appear faster than any prayer. What is this anyway? Why does it hurt so much now? Do I need to see a shrink?

30 12 08

Last night I went to sleep without crying

It’s been weeks since I was able to do that…and not without a price.   I’ve been crying since I watched my daughter took a nap an hour ago.  The horrible sight is still haunting me…it’s when I found her on a hospital bench after the accident three weeks ago. Oh, God, has it been only three weeks?  It feels like a lifetime for me.  I found it difficult to remember happy thought before that, honestly.

It is easier to live the day when I’m busy or when I was surrounded by people.  But when I was left alone, that horrible moment started to invade my thought.  And usually only tears could make it go away.

It frightened me.  My daughter is now safe and sound.  She got all the best medical attention we could afford there is, got all the right treatment from the right (kind-hearted) doctors and is recovering rapidly.  So, what’s wrong with me?  Why am I still crying?  It’s acceptable when it happened when she was in the ICU.  When all the people I know have gone home and I was alone with people that I don’t know in the ICU waiting room, I started to cry.  I even cried in my sleep.  Not that I could fall asleep, mind you, but when my tired brain lapsed into a brief sleep, a stream of tears still rolled downward in snaillike trails and mingled with the pillow when I suddenly awake.  I know it wasn’t my drool!

The fact that she looks so peaceful now doesn’t give me enough comfort.  I still imagined the pain she must’ve gone through.  And a part of me is feeling guilty that I couldn’t  take her place instead. Another part of me is worried financially.  Not that I have doubts about liquidating everything we own to fix our own flesh and blood, but at the moment, as a freelance with an unemployed husband, it is expensive to be healthy let alone sick.  And even with the help from everyone, it’s still left us drained.

So here I am, finally stop crying because the house has been awake from their nap.  At least last night I managed to sleep without crying.

22 12 08

Aku mengatasi kondisi keuangan kami dengan cara bekerja keras pantang menyerah.

Dina Begum
Penerjemah, anggota Himpunan Penerjemah Indonesia – HPI (The Association of Indonesian Translators). Bagi Dina, menerjemahkan adalah impian, kebanggaan dan hobi, sementara membaca sudah merupakan bagian dari kehidupannya.